Okay, I'm Gonna Kill Him

Here is Sister Darcey's pre-Holiday letter sent in response to her missionary brother's email about his trials. Unfortunately, Hong Kong has a 24 hour lag time so she had no way of knowing he was not referring to coming home, but something else all together. I think that at this time it was a blessing that there are 5078 miles between the two of them--it kept Bro. Darcey from being strangled by his dear sister.

In her Christmas phone call she mentioned that this letter had some great heartfelt truths that are still valid, so Sis. Darcey recommends that it be posted here. And so that 18 months from now, when she sees him again, she will still remember to strangle her brother.

Dear Elder Darcey,

Adam failed that man might be--Nephi failed in the first directive to his family so the Lord could show his hand to them. In the old testament it didn't take one plague, it took twelve--and the Bible is full of failures that the dear Lord uses to prove His hand in all. The D&C is full of Joseph Smith's failures--and finally and most importantly, Jesus Christ "failed" so He could rise on the third day.

I want you to know that I have failed here like I have never failed anywhere before. I don't mean little failure, I mean big and glaring and eternal as well as stupid, repeated, prideful, stubborn and over and over and over failure. I've failed for months on end, indeed, I've failed so much I'm getting good at failing.

Once I wrote in my journal, "I feel like my mission could be subtitled: My mission: A failure in 12 transfers". I cannot explain to you the gravity and depth of the insufficiency and ignorance and FAILURE I've experienced and yes, even caused (remember the lost key thing.)

Failure on a mission is constant, because it is a full time calling. Even being a mom or a dad you can take a break and lock yourself into the bedroom for 5 minutes. Being the CEO of the biggest company in the world is monetary, and not a failure like this--even failure by the President of the U.S. is temporal and may not be as lasting or as eternal as failure to reach the souls God entrusts to you.

The missionary's ability to fail is CONSTANT and it's terrifying. And for me, Sister DIA Darcey-- a type A "success," who gets A's and gold metals and certificates and pats on the head and doesn't DO failure--for me this mission experience has been the hardest thing in my life. That is: To accept that I fail. I have failed and I continue to fail. I have seen the depths of depravity, anguish, hell---and it's in my own head. And it is only because I have failed that I can testify so strongly of Christ's Atonement.

It isn't something shiny or cushy waiting at the top of the ladder of successes or the staircase of progression. The success doesn't happen on the way up, but the only time we get to feel of His atonement is as we fall--while we are in the midst of Fail ING. He isn't waiting for us to make it halfway until we're exhausted. He is pulling with us INSIDE our failure. I can't even say how amazing this is to me, and, since it is so amazing, how very little I fully realize it.

I doesn't help to learn about or theorize or even read all the scriptures about the Atonement. True understanding comes when I look into my soul and see deficiency and even despair. I look into my own and see years of
false expectations and the tartar of built up pride and the seething mass of real and terrifying malice.

I am failing as a missionary, I know I am. I am terrified every time I think about going home and looking back and wondering what I spent this time, money and anguish on. But. Faith is not a perfect knowledge of things--it is a hope. As in, faith is NOT what you see now. Faith is not success, it is failure. It is FAILING yet still hoping. It is NOT losing hope and NOT going home. It is seeing miracles and believing in God's call and HIS power. If I've learned anything on my mission, it's that I'm not here---not even in HK, I mean on EARTH--to be strong.

I'm not here to do good merely because it feels good because while that works for a while, what keeps me doing good things when it no longer feels good is feeling God.

I'm here to gain a living witness that God works with weak things. Can I explain that better? When God makes weak things strong, he starts with weak things. OK, YOU'RE NOT MEANT TO SUCCEED AT ONCE. Apparently--as I've been looking back--some missionaries are not even meant to succeed ever. But God's work will succeed. God has already won the war. He invites us to stand in awe and recognize His salvation, He invites us to work our hardest and then FAIL. For then He can succeed in bringing souls to Him. Even if it's just my soul.

Let me make this more concrete for you. I've seen four baptisms on my mission (in 10 months so far). I have had a part in two of them. I have had a major part in ZERO. Let me make it even clearer: if I was not here, working my hardest, praying my heart out, failing every single day, THESE PEOPLE WOULD HAVE STILL BEEN BAPTIZED. I can't say that absolutely, no, but it's pretty dang sure. They were member referrals, they wanted to get baptized, God had led their path and their way and I had nothing to do with it.

They were so ready for Christ that a rock could've taught them the lessons. So WHY WHY WHY WHY am I still here being useless? Failing, failing, failing over and over? Because I love seeing God's hand. Because I love being the "rock"---the one who sits there and stumbles over lessons and messes up and boasts in self and then gets
humiliated again and then just sits there in awe while he works His miracle.

But most of all, I am still here because I trust in his promises--

Isaiah 41, 1 Nephi 21 and 22. As I say (21:4) I have labored in vain, I have spent my strength for naught and for vain-- (21:5) and now saith the Lord, THOUGH ISRAEL BE NOT GATHERED, yet I shall be glorious in the eyes of my Lord, and my God shall be my strength. Verse 18-- Lift up thine eyes round about and BEHOLD all these that gather themselves together. D&C 6, These are the multitudes that are blessed by my daily failure.

Know that I love you. I love you and I will love you forever and I know God wants you to fulfill your calling. I know He has great things in store for you and our family. So keep holding on and stand strong in the faith. Yours always--a sister in Christ and in blood!

Sister Darcey, Dia.